The Other C Word
It's been a weird week: My boyfriend and I have moved in together and I was diagnosed with cancer.
So. What do you do when you're 31 years old and have just been told that you have melanoma? Well, firstly, I called my mom while sobbing which had little to no benefit seeing as that she was currently HEAVILY struggling with her own mental health journey. She had to tell my father for me (since I knew his first response would be to chastise me over my high-school love affair with tanning beds) and then I had to move on to calling my closer friends one-by-one... I didn't want anyone to hear through the grape-vine who would have to hear me cry about it at some point.
My current curious observation has been of the reactions. I have a morbid, dark sense of humor and my favorite part about this so far has been the reinforcement of just HOW amazing my people are. It's interesting how we curate our personal bubble as we get older and it's even more interesting how clearly you can sense why you're so close to them.
It's also interesting to sense the immediate distance between older friends- the ones that you picked when you were younger and maybe because neither of you knew who you were or what you wanted just yet. When you don't want to be having that conversation in the first place, it's even more apparent when it's forced. Would we have picked these people out from the crowd now? It's a hard shift to accept, but is it worth the energy when, as an introvert, I already have such a limited supply? We're always there for each other and maybe that history is enough. I've always been sentimental and to feel that loyal to someone has to mean something more.
It's never been hard for me to walk away from a relationship that isn't beneficial for each other anymore and my instinct isn't to. Maybe it's time to trust that a little more than usual- we're here for reasons.
With that aside, I have heard "should" and "shouldn't" more times than I want to discuss. I have no idea how often I use that word myself, but I certainly intend to be more aware of it.
It seems so of the time, right? To tell everyone what they should and should not be doing? I've never been more annoyed by it than as of late. "Well, he shouldn't do that," or "No, you shouldn't feel that way," or (my favorite right now) "You should be doing more. Take charge of this."
We're allowed to react. Whether it's good or bad, it's a reaction. And, if it's that bad, it's the easiest thing to apologize for. Hell, it's the easiest way to get away with murder even... We're allotted, as humans, to react poorly. It's okay- it's our feelings coming through before we have the ability to consider them.
And feelings are just that- FEELINGS. We feel them. Personally. They are our own. And, frankly, I don't care how angry you are that Trump is coming into office- I'm pissed too, but let's stop fucking telling each other how to FEEL about it all and everything else, okay?
I've had this realization today about how our judgements of other people are only of our own projections on them. We're projecting our ideas onto someone and then judging THEM for our own personal and mental assumptions about them.
What the hell is that?
And what the hell could we learn if we could cut that even just in half?
I'm just as guilty- don't think I'm being all high-and-mighty over here. I wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't doing it myself.
What is right for one person isn't going to be right for everyone else. That's not only just okay, but it's BEAUTIFUL. So here's my challenge for you and myself: Let's take one of those 'should's away and replace it with a genuinely curious 'why.'
So, without further ado, I bring to you the next phase of my saga: the over-analysis of many things. Currently, it's feelings. Tomorrow, though, it's the environment and, particularly, our own.
Let's dig deep into some ridding-of-chemicals this week, eh?
I'm down. Obvs. My body is my only temple and it's fighting off enough right now. Let's try to make it a bit easier without it battling the effects of Windex.
...I'm really going to miss Windex. Oy.